Chuck Norris is THE MAN! - Page 2 - TriStateTuners.com :: Home of Tristate Auto Enthusiast

xEJ20x · 11-14-2005, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the mike

I did, but a sense of irony>genital dipping on Fascist leaders.

Sounds like you need to be tea-bagged by Chuck Norris.

Then you'll see the error of your ways.

libteclipse · 11-14-2005, 07:42 PM

Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.

Chuck Norris managed to storm the beaches of Normandy in 1944, armed with only a potato peeler, and single handedly disemboweled over 5,000 German Nazi Soldiers.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

The Solar System is actually Chuck Norris playing God at marbles.

When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe.

Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.

The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed.

DropTopChevy · 11-14-2005, 07:53 PM

Hilarious especially the killing in the air This **** is classic

WhiteXFire · 12-12-2005, 06:55 PM

Thought I'd bring this back with a new one I read today...

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

xEJ20x · 12-12-2005, 07:26 PM

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is ***, but because he has run out of women.

Raven18940 · 12-12-2005, 07:30 PM

Oh god this stuff is too funny. :D

LSHatch · 12-12-2005, 07:32 PM

Holy crap, that stuff is so funny. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. hahahahahhahahaha

DropTopChevy · 12-12-2005, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xEJ20

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Repost

xEJ20x · 12-12-2005, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DropTopChevy

Repost

Quit crying....it's still funny.

DropTopChevy · 12-12-2005, 08:18 PM

I know I laughed the second time.

wrx_snobordr · 12-13-2005, 03:59 AM

im sorry but the best one is still....

THE CHIEF EXPORT OF CHUCK NORRIS IS PAIN!

WhiteXFire · 12-13-2005, 04:20 AM

Even as an infant Chuck Norris was fierce:

(Moments later he leapt out of the chair and roundhouse kicked the photographer in the face for taking his picture...)

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

WhiteXFire · 12-13-2005, 05:28 AM

And some more...

Chuck Norris once entered the national spelling bee on ESPN. When one of the kids asked the moderator to use an example of the the word "aikido" in a sentence, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the throat so he could no longer speak. He went on to eliminate every other participant in the same way until he won.

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women 65 and older. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.

When asked if videogame-related violence was a threat to America's children, Chuck Norris promptly roundhouse kicked Jack Thompson in the face. Ironically, moments later two 13-year-olds were found dead less than a mile from the scene, attempting to reenact this stunt.

Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him.

Chuck Norris framed OJ.

There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism.

The wind generated by the speed of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to blow the clothes off of 37 women.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.

The only way Chuck Norris can reach climax is if there's a vietnamese family begging for their lives nearby.

76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.

Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.

Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.

When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon.

In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world. The dinosaur was purely coincidence.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one else is around, Chuck Norris will hear the noise.

Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat.

Chuck Norris ended the Never-ending Story...because Chuck Norris doesn't believe in reading.

Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe.

Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar, but no one is brave enough to do anything about it.

Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.

Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.

max2k1 · 12-13-2005, 11:42 AM

my avatar from srt-4mation.com

WRX27 · 12-14-2005, 01:33 AM

f**king Chuck Norris. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

DropTopChevy · 12-14-2005, 04:26 AM

This stuff never gets old

20th1519 · 12-14-2005, 06:57 PM

Hilarious stuff guys. I almost teared. But being a chuck norris fan i was born without the ability to cry. Can we get a Steven Segal thread going or is he to girly?

teh DIRT · 12-14-2005, 07:42 PM

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.

made that one myself.

DropTopChevy · 12-14-2005, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teh DIRT

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.

made that one myself.

OFF TOPIC j/k pete

xEJ20x · 12-14-2005, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teh DIRT

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.

made that one myself.

That could never happen because:

1. Chuck Norris was at the birth of Jesus as the 4th WiseMan.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

2. Jean Claude fears Chuck Norris.

Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him.

11-14-2005, 07:53 PM	#23
DropTopChevy Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: In a big house Member #242 My Ride: 2002 2.8 30V V6 iTrader: (6)	Hilarious especially the killing in the air This **** is classic __________________ The great thing about being an architect is that you can walk into your dreams. - Harold E. Wagoner, 1986

12-12-2005, 06:55 PM	#24
WhiteXFire Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Langhorne, PA Member #305 My Ride: 2007 Infiniti G35x, 2008 MB SLK55 AMG iTrader: (0)	Thought I'd bring this back with a new one I read today... If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. __________________ Just enjoying the ride. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2004 Chrysler Crossfire - Gone 2007 Infiniti G35x Sedan - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2008 Mercedes-Benz SLK55 AMG - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures.

12-12-2005, 07:26 PM	#25
xEJ20x Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: South Jersey Member #72 My Ride: 13 STI iTrader: (3)	Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is ***, but because he has run out of women. __________________ Nothing to see here.

12-12-2005, 07:32 PM	#27
LSHatch Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sin City Member #260 My Ride: G3Fizzle iTrader: (0)	Holy crap, that stuff is so funny. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. hahahahahhahahaha __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures.

12-12-2005, 08:18 PM	#30
DropTopChevy Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: In a big house Member #242 My Ride: 2002 2.8 30V V6 iTrader: (6)	I know I laughed the second time. __________________ The great thing about being an architect is that you can walk into your dreams. - Harold E. Wagoner, 1986

11-14-2005, 07:42 PM	#22
libteclipse Tri-State Aficionado Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Illadelphia Member #983 My Ride: 0h.SiX HonDuh CiViC eX iTrader: (0)	Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be. Chuck Norris managed to storm the beaches of Normandy in 1944, armed with only a potato peeler, and single handedly disemboweled over 5,000 German Nazi Soldiers. Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing. Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond. The Solar System is actually Chuck Norris playing God at marbles. When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe. Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there. The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed.

12-13-2005, 03:59 AM	#31
wrx_snobordr Tri-State Addict Join Date: Dec 2004 Member #21 iTrader: (1)	im sorry but the best one is still.... THE CHIEF EXPORT OF CHUCK NORRIS IS PAIN! __________________ Stock

12-13-2005, 04:20 AM	#32
WhiteXFire Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Langhorne, PA Member #305 My Ride: 2007 Infiniti G35x, 2008 MB SLK55 AMG iTrader: (0)	Even as an infant Chuck Norris was fierce: (Moments later he leapt out of the chair and roundhouse kicked the photographer in the face for taking his picture...) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here." The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". __________________ Just enjoying the ride. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2004 Chrysler Crossfire - Gone 2007 Infiniti G35x Sedan - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2008 Mercedes-Benz SLK55 AMG - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. Last edited by WhiteXFire; 12-13-2005 at 04:28 AM.

12-13-2005, 05:28 AM	#33
WhiteXFire Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Langhorne, PA Member #305 My Ride: 2007 Infiniti G35x, 2008 MB SLK55 AMG iTrader: (0)	And some more... Chuck Norris once entered the national spelling bee on ESPN. When one of the kids asked the moderator to use an example of the the word "aikido" in a sentence, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the throat so he could no longer speak. He went on to eliminate every other participant in the same way until he won. After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women 65 and older. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine. When asked if videogame-related violence was a threat to America's children, Chuck Norris promptly roundhouse kicked Jack Thompson in the face. Ironically, moments later two 13-year-olds were found dead less than a mile from the scene, attempting to reenact this stunt. Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him. Chuck Norris framed OJ. There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism. The wind generated by the speed of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to blow the clothes off of 37 women. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages. The only way Chuck Norris can reach climax is if there's a vietnamese family begging for their lives nearby. 76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead. Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video. Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it. When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon. In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world. The dinosaur was purely coincidence. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile. If a tree falls in a forest, and no one else is around, Chuck Norris will hear the noise. Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop. Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon". Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat. Chuck Norris ended the Never-ending Story...because Chuck Norris doesn't believe in reading. Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe. Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar, but no one is brave enough to do anything about it. Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb. Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart. __________________ Just enjoying the ride. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2004 Chrysler Crossfire - Gone 2007 Infiniti G35x Sedan - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures. 2008 Mercedes-Benz SLK55 AMG - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 signatures.

12-14-2005, 01:33 AM	#35
WRX27 Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Work Member #363 My Ride: 2004 Subaru WRX Sedan iTrader: (0)	f**king Chuck Norris. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

12-14-2005, 04:26 AM	#36
DropTopChevy Tri-State Post Whore Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: In a big house Member #242 My Ride: 2002 2.8 30V V6 iTrader: (6)	This stuff never gets old __________________ The great thing about being an architect is that you can walk into your dreams. - Harold E. Wagoner, 1986

12-14-2005, 06:57 PM	#37
20th1519 Tri-State Addict Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Erwinna Member #46 My Ride: 2002 WRX Wagon PSM iTrader: (0)	Hilarious stuff guys. I almost teared. But being a chuck norris fan i was born without the ability to cry. Can we get a Steven Segal thread going or is he to girly? __________________ ---Travis--- "Negative Ghostrider the pattern's full"

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