New Employee Rules

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NEW EMPLOYEE RULES WILL BE REVISED IN YOUR EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK AT A LATER DATE.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.

BREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement in necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done for the day.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse of absence. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker but both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people will get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look heathly. Normal size people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350.00 Prada shoes and carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore figure you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, frusterations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,
Management

A smile is laughter leaking out a little bit at a time.