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The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.

To make sure he was born tough, Mr. T's mother would punch her womb between shots of vodka.

When Mr. T does a push-up he is, in reality, pushing the entire planet away from him. He then allows it to gravitate back towards his awesome presence.

The Big Bang was actually Mr. T pitying space and time for all their jibba jabba.

Tupac once stole Mr. T's Cheeto's.
RIP Tupac Shakur, September 1997.

It was scientifically proven that Mr. T's DNA is single-stranded. The one strand did not put up with the other strand's jibba jabba.

Mr T is credited with the invention of the asshole. He invented it when some fool dissed Mr. T and Mr. T punched his heart through his ass.

The General Mills cereal company fired Mr. T from his job of coming up with new cereal ideas. Unfortunately for us all, they would not allow Mr. T to create a cereal that was made with chunks of raw meat and gold.

Once, a long time ago, Mr. T. decided that two moons weren't working out for him.

Mr. T has killed Mr. A through Mr. S; U through Z are slaves in his gold mine.

The Catholic Church is considering sainthood for Mr. T, taking in consideration for the pity he has shown to so many fools. When asked what he would do with this new found honor he vowed to challange Stallone and regain his championship.

While filming Rocky III, Mr. T punched Sylvester Stallone so hard Sly spoke clearly for a week.

Mr. T eats turkey everyday except for the last Thursday of every November. This day is known as "Thanks For Giving Us Fools A Chance To Eat Turkey, Mr. T", but was later shortened to "Thanksgiving" for the sake of brevity.

If you have ever beaten Mr. T at a game, you obviously didn't know the ****in' rules.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

Mr. T wears brass knuckles because he fears the consequences of hitting someone with his bare fists.

The USA does not really have 130,000 troops deployed in Iraq. That's just politics. 99% of the shock and awe campaign was Mr. T, a backpack of Old English, and a 1986 explorer conversion van.

Mr. T doesn't screw in lightbulbs. He holds it in place while the room spins around in fear.

Mr. T and the rest of the "A-Team" were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A1 Abram Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult.

Satan sold his soul to Mr. T.

Mr. T once biked around North America, beating Lance Armstrong's Tour De France time by 3 and a half hours. When questioned about this amazing feat his only comment was "France is for fools!"


It is a common misconception that Isaac Newton only proposed 3 laws of motion. There was actually a little known fourth law: "Mr. T is exempt from these laws."

Mr. T has beat the **** out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.