DontEvenReply.com - Emails from an a**hole

[GeforceXtreme]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

My buddy sent me this site and I have to say the emails are pretty freaking funny. I guess the owner of this site pretty much goes around on craigslist and sends crazy reply emails.

I got a kick out of these:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=27
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=24
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=6
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=28
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=13

[bmatyeah]

this rules. i have done stuff like this. OH CRAIGSLIST!

[mcperson2k]

SO FUNNY. The vintage alcohol one made me cry.

[Nors]

Haha oh man, so glad you posted this because it is hilarious. The buying a car one had me cracking up.

[11secdsm]

I hate you. Now i'm going to sit here for hours reading all of these. :)

[DC2.2GSR]

I hate you. Now i'm going to sit here for hours reading all of these. :)

same here. those are hilarious.

[WRX_JB]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=13 i loled

[importpower99]

I need that. Can't remeber the last time i laughed that hard

[Eclipse GSX 61]

Pube Styling (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=36) lololololol

[agoodall]

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

lol

[GeforceXtreme]

Yeah the site is addicting. I read all of them (there isn't too many yet) but the site is pretty funny.

[OMGz Turbo]

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

lol

i giggled on that one myself

[piku]

Oh the tiger one made me spit my pepsi! :rofl:

[jcr557]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=18

lol, anymore car related ones?

[Vypurr]

OMG! I lol'd pretty damn hard!

[lownslow95]

Oh the tiger one made me spit my pepsi! :rofl:

I spit root beer all over my dads computer screen.

[lownslow95]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=18

lol, anymore car related ones?

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[TR MS3]

OMG I needed a good laugh! Deff. book mark worthy.

[Vypurr]

This has to be somebody very local because all of the ads he chooses are from Philadelphia area of Craigslist.

[turb0baby]

hahahahahha i cant breathe im laughing so hard

i love the one wit the 94 jeep wrangler & whore wife

[james_ls]

I want to meet this guy, and shake his hand.

He's local.

[Vypurr]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=25

OMG another jewel! I am dying! Laughing out loud at work.

[Elliott18t]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=2

[3rdGenMr2Girl]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=33

lol

[D Money]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=18

lol, anymore car related ones?

omg my favorite one ever!!!!

[3rdGenMr2Girl]

^ that probably pissed her off so much.

[den9]

hahaha this is awesome, its great how everyone takes him serious.

[den9]

this would be funnier if there was more replies
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=41

[den9]

blahahaha 420 friendly
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=9

part 2
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=10

[den9]

Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of ****! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

lmao

[den9]

this site makes my day so much better




Original ad:
summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

Hello,

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

Thanks,

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

-Donna

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

I am not interested. Thanks.

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know.

SSG Partlow

[Nors]

I love this site. The 420 one is hilarious.

[den9]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=50

[GeforceXtreme]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=50

This site just puts a smile on my face every time I visit it.

[Nors]

Tyrone's Dog Babysitting Service
Posted at: 2009-07-02 10:41:53 | 65 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!
From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

From Tanya ****** to Me
tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and ****

now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

From Tanya ****** to Me
I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some **** while im walkin him. you need to chill the **** out and stop jumpin to conclusions

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

From Tanya ****** to Me
STOP IT


A few hours later...



From G Ice to Tanya ******
ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the **** out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

From Tanya ****** to Me
GO AWAY
65 comments | Add Comment



Soo funny.

[driftingrx5.7]

o dude that was so funny good find!

[90blacktsiawd]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=46

That one made me laugh

[polarexpress17]

ROFL!

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45

[den9]

ROFL!

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45

repost

[den9]

Original ad:
im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email
From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
Hey,

I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

Mike

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
do you have a number you can be reached at?

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
i just tried that and it is not working

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait are you calling from Philly?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yes

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
IT ISNT WORKING

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
****, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
it says that is not a working number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
**** this. forget it

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?

[jcr557]

Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.
From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org

Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.

From austin ******* to Me

**** yourself, asshole.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "**** themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.

From austin ******* to Me

You want my apology? Go **** yourself.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

I'm waiting...

From austin ******* to Me

I'm sorry about your kid.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******

Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little bitch in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.

Mike


hahaha he said sorry, suckaaaa

[Nors]

Probably the best website on the internet.

LOL @ The FAQ



How can I contact you?
Put up a classified ad, and try to sound like an idiot. I'll find you.

No seriously. I want to give you money.
In that case, john@dontevenreply.com. I'll try to respond, but I do get a lot of e-mails so don't think I am a jerk if I don't.

[GeforceXtreme]

I visit the site from time to time and every time i read one of those its so funny to me.

[den9]

i almost forgot about this site. this one is probably the funniest


Operation: Soccer Escort
Posted at: 2009-08-07 09:03:54
Original ad:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...

[Nors]

Another hilarious post! I have found out that this dude lives in West Chester just by reading some of his replies.