Chuck Norris is THE MAN!

[xEJ20x]

Top 30 Chuck Norris facts.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

[Gorilla Unit 33]

holy **** this is funny

[BlackBulletTSi]

I love it

[igo4bmx]

Top 30 about vin diesel:

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

[xEJ20x]

Chuck Norris could beat the hell out of Vin Diesel just by scratchin his beard.

[igo4bmx]

Chuck Norris could beat the hell out of Vin Diesel just by scratchin his beard.


Vin diesal could eat knives and poop them out in the direction of chuck and kill him

[DropTopChevy]

This is great :rotfl:

[teh DIRT]

hahahahahahahaha

[igo4bmx]

http://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gif

[xEJ20x]

Need I even say these movies' names;

The Fast and the Furious.

xXx

[igo4bmx]

Need I even say these movies' names;

The Fast and the Furious.

xXx

Texas Walker Ranger

[igo4bmx]

http://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gifhttp://uploads.honda-rally.com//files/1/norris.gif

[xEJ20x]

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.


So of course he will be able to fall down from being hit with an oar. :roll:
Otherwise its would snap like a toothpick upon impact with his manly coif.

[andru1313]

http://images.snapfish.com/3454%3B%3C6%3B23232%7Ffp7%3Enu%3D3238%3E7%3B6%3E5% 3B8%3EWSNRCG%3D323332837438%3Bnu0mrj

[95SC2]

lol

[Francesco]

Need I even say these movies' names;

The Fast and the Furious.

xXx

hey you like F&F

[xEJ20x]

hey you like F&F

I know. :mrgreen:

[the mike]

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.



I chuckled at this one.

[xEJ20x]

I chuckled at this one.

Did you even see this one?

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Or do our ideas of humor greatly vary?

[the mike]

I did, but a sense of irony>genital dipping on Fascist leaders.


:)

[xEJ20x]

I did, but a sense of irony>genital dipping on Fascist leaders.


:)

Sounds like you need to be tea-bagged by Chuck Norris.

Then you'll see the error of your ways. :finga:

[libteclipse]

Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.

Chuck Norris managed to storm the beaches of Normandy in 1944, armed with only a potato peeler, and single handedly disemboweled over 5,000 German Nazi Soldiers.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

The Solar System is actually Chuck Norris playing God at marbles.

When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe.

Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.

The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed.

[DropTopChevy]

Hilarious especially the killing in the air This **** is classic

[WhiteXFire]

Thought I'd bring this back with a new one I read today...

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

[xEJ20x]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is ***, but because he has run out of women.

[Raven18940]

Oh god this stuff is too funny. :D

[LSHatch]

Holy crap, that stuff is so funny. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. hahahahahhahahaha

[DropTopChevy]

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Repost

[xEJ20x]

Repost

Quit crying....it's still funny.

[DropTopChevy]

I know I laughed the second time. :rotfl:

[wrx_snobordr]

im sorry but the best one is still....

THE CHIEF EXPORT OF CHUCK NORRIS IS PAIN!

[WhiteXFire]

Even as an infant Chuck Norris was fierce:

http://www.chucknorris.com/images/105.jpg
(Moments later he leapt out of the chair and roundhouse kicked the photographer in the face for taking his picture...)

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

[WhiteXFire]

And some more...

Chuck Norris once entered the national spelling bee on ESPN. When one of the kids asked the moderator to use an example of the the word "aikido" in a sentence, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the throat so he could no longer speak. He went on to eliminate every other participant in the same way until he won.

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women 65 and older. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.

When asked if videogame-related violence was a threat to America's children, Chuck Norris promptly roundhouse kicked Jack Thompson in the face. Ironically, moments later two 13-year-olds were found dead less than a mile from the scene, attempting to reenact this stunt.

Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him.

Chuck Norris framed OJ.

There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism.

The wind generated by the speed of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to blow the clothes off of 37 women.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.

The only way Chuck Norris can reach climax is if there's a vietnamese family begging for their lives nearby.

76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead.

Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.

Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.

When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon.

In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world. The dinosaur was purely coincidence.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one else is around, Chuck Norris will hear the noise.

Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat.

Chuck Norris ended the Never-ending Story...because Chuck Norris doesn't believe in reading.

Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe.

Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar, but no one is brave enough to do anything about it.

Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.

Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.

[max2k1]

my avatar from srt-4mation.com http://www.satt.org/grafiken5/nuesse-5.jpg

[WRX27]

f**king Chuck Norris. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

[DropTopChevy]

This stuff never gets old

[20th1519]

Hilarious stuff guys. I almost teared. But being a chuck norris fan i was born without the ability to cry. Can we get a Steven Segal thread going or is he to girly?

[teh DIRT]

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.



made that one myself.

[DropTopChevy]

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.



made that one myself.
OFF TOPIC j/k pete

[xEJ20x]

When jeanne claude vandame approached baby jesus in a craddle to give him a gift, he promptly snapped the infants neck and proclaimed that he was the only messiah.



made that one myself.

That could never happen because:

1. Chuck Norris was at the birth of Jesus as the 4th WiseMan.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


2. Jean Claude fears Chuck Norris.

Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him.

[teh DIRT]

this is true. but! jeanne claude was wiseman #5. he showed up after chuck norris was there. he was only late because he was busy fighting crime and snapping necks in the foreign cites of guam.

[xEJ20x]

this is true. but! jeanne claude was wiseman #5. he showed up after chuck norris was there. he was only late because he was busy fighting crime and snapping necks in the foreign cites of guam.

More lies!

Jean Claude was no where near Bethlehem during Christ's birth.
If he was, Chuck would have roundhouse'd him with Law and Order.

[teh DIRT]

the truth is evident.

chuck norris doesnt use utensils when eating. he roundhouse kicks the food down his throat.

/thread

[xEJ20x]

http://www.little-gamers.com/comics/00001245.jpg

[max2k1]

"There's no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just hates trailor parks" :rotfl: :rofl: :rotfl: :rofl: :rotfl: :rofl: :rotfl: :rofl: :rotfl:

[BlackBulletTSi]

LOL!!!!!!!! Thats awesome!

[IIelizaII]

hahahahaha this **** is hilarious. chuck norris is the man!

[teh DIRT]

chuck norris would eat eliza whole

[IIelizaII]

hahaha, and id let him, just because hes chuck norris!

[xEJ20x]

chuck norris would eat eliza whole

He wouldn't have to....

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

[WhiteXFire]

He wouldn't have to....

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Pffft. What's so special about that?? I don't even have to say anything, just point... :rotfl:

[IIelizaII]

He wouldn't have to....

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".


if only it were that simple hahahaha

[Silver04STi]

it doesn't happen..... (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=chuck%20norris%20getting%20his%20ass%20kicked&btnG=Google+Search&sa=N&tab=wi)

[jspek]

http://www.team3d.net/index.php?s=forums&d=topic&id=36415

its funny finding threads like this one on other forums.

[Prototype240]

it doesn't happen..... (http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=chuck%20norris%20getting%20his%20ass%20kicked&btnG=Google+Search&sa=N&tab=wi)

BWAHAHAHA!!! Nice find!

[xEJ20x]

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.


Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.


On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attatch pictures of his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek The Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

[WhiteXFire]

Site is *NWS*
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/49.html
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/50.html
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/51.html
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/52.html
http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/53.html

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[BlackBulletTSi]

Yes!

[BlackBulletTSi]

MISSED ONE

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/59.html

[the mike]

I just realized Chuck Norris sounds Canadian. That would detract from his creamy goodness.

[xEJ20x]

I just realized Chuck Norris sounds Canadian. That would detract from his creamy goodness.

Lies...

Date of birth (location)
10 March, Year unknown
Ryan, Oklahoma, USA

[the mike]

Crap, I share a birthday with the Texas Ranger.

[xEJ20x]

Crap, I share a birthday with the Texas Ranger.

Don't say that! :eek:
He doesn't like people having the same birthday as him.
You've prolly sealed your fate right now.


Mike, can you see Chuck Norris right now?

[the mike]

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

[xEJ20x]

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

It's been nice knowing you Mike.
Can I have the wagon after you get roundhouse'd?

[max2k1]

When he punched the girl in the face when he hopped in the car in the first clip I almost peed my pants :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Gorilla Unit 33]

Im bringing this thread back from the dead BUMP with more chuck norris jokes!


chuck norris built the stairway to heaven.

You know why baskin robin has 31 flavors? because chuck norris doesnt like fudge ripple.

Chuck norris does not dance. he roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what everyone calls arround you.

Chuck norris built a time machiine to go back in time to stop the JFK assasination. In fact when he got there he stopped all three bullets with his beard. Then Jfk's head exploded in amazement.

The Bremuda triangle use to be called the bremuda square until Chuck norris roundhouse kicked one of its sides off.

Chuck noris played 18 holes of golf with a 12inch peice of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.

Chuck norris never wet his bed as a child. the bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.

When he was born the only person that cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' paradise is War.

Chuck Norris only played russian rulette once and Won, with a loaded gun.

Since 1940, when chuck norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increase by 13,000 percent.

In the bible Jesus turns water into wine. Chuck norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.

Chuck norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Kenny G is allowed to live cause Chuck Norris doesnt kill women.

There are only two things that cant cut diamonds, other diamonds and chuck norris.

You can lead a horse to water but not make him drink, unless your chuck norris.

No matter what your mother says, chuck norris can tune a fish.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter

when chuck norris does a push up hes not pushing himself up hes pushing the earth down.

Chuck norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

There are no steroids in baseball, just players that chuck norris has breathed on.

Chuck norris likes long walks on the beach, barry white music, and quiet time with his lady right before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Some people wear superman pajama's, superman wears chuck norris pajamas.

Only Chuck norris can prevent forrest fires.

Mr.T pitties the fool. Chuck norris just rips his head off.

Chuck norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isnt nearly as foolish to attack him.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Jean-Claude Van Dam once kicked chuck norris's ass, then he awakened from his dream because of a round house kick to the face.

[DoubleOughtCel]

I still love this thread.

[james_ls]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles contest."

Chuck Norris won by five.

[Gorilla Unit 33]

chuck norris is predicted to be the first black president. And if your thinking to your self wait chuc norris isnt black, your dead wrong and stop being a racist.

[phillycivicsi]

bringin this thread back
lol
chuck norris can play guitar hero with drums
Chuck Norris can touch that (in repsonse to MC Hammer)
Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talking about
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until they give him the information he wants.


When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's not pushing himself up. He's pushing the world down.

chuck norris can slam a revolving door

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.









If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

[The Captain]

From 2006 to 2008 in 5 seconds flat. Hooray for raising from the dead.

[Honduh]

bring backs!

[90blacktsiawd]

Chuck Norris doesn't tbag the ladies, he potato sacks them :-p

[Soon2bG60]

Chuck norris sleeps with a night light, Not cause hes afriad of the dark, But because the darks afraid of him.

Chuck norris doesnt look under his bed for the boggy man, the boggy man looks under his bed for Chuck norris.

[den9]

wow i can believe this started in 05, seemed like last year

[TGilb2007]

Jeez.... this thread was started well before I was even a member?

[Tru2Blu]

"Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" I actually googled that to c if it was true.

[phillycivicsi]

if chuck norris is ever late...time better slow the F*** down!

chuck norris shaves with a chain saw

chuck norris clogs the toilet when he pisses

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a effn Jeep.


Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

chuck norris could eat a box of lincoln logs and crap a bridge.

Chuck Norris http://i319.photobucket.com/albums/mm447/ProwlerPC/Chuck%20Norris/chuck-norris-magic-the-gathering.jpg

chuck noris can slam a revolving door.

chuck norris's tears are the cure for cancer. but he never cries

If you ever met a woman with crooked teeth, you've met a woman who has given Chuck Norris a blow job.

[Scapegoat]

http://www.reuters.com/article/rbssTechMediaTelecomNews/idUSN2129580420071222#

chuck norris says his tears are no cure for cancer

what chuck norris means to say is... "i have no money"

[DPancoast]

haha i forgot about these. they are awesome

[xEJ20x]

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a cup....he wears a barrel.

[Tyler]

wow this thread is old.

chuck norris counted to infinity.. twice.

[tdmopar59]

straight classics.... lol

[ndubz]

Jason Statham Would F*ck up Chuck Norris's Day. Who cares about "roundhouse kicks", Jason Statham kills people with shirts, and whips an Audi W12 hardcore, I mean for Godsake thae man can do a RWD burnout in an AWD car. Chuck Norris aint got sh*t on him.

[95SC2]

haha, chuck norris doesnt go hunting, becasue hunting implies failure, chuck norris goes killing!

[Scapegoat]

Jason Statham Would F*ck up Chuck Norris's Day. Who cares about "roundhouse kicks", Jason Statham kills people with shirts, and whips an Audi W12 hardcore, I mean for Godsake thae man can do a RWD burnout in an AWD car. Chuck Norris aint got sh*t on him.

chuck norris was just here... and laughed at your patheticness

[phillycivicsi]

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc308/Polarwar/_Chuck-Norris.jpg

http://gi61.photobucket.com/groups/h55/7Q8KBI743V/chuck-norris.jpg

http://i418.photobucket.com/albums/pp266/Soccergenius22/zgrzgrzdrzdr.jpg